Today I have decided to avoid speaking to my dad and his mom.
I know that he loves me deeply and supports me all the time.
But my health simply cannot afford it any longer,
I do not blame him. I support him. all the time. deep down.
As for my grandma, she is the most toxic person I have ever met. She would make up success stories of other cousins to shame me, all the time. even if I graduated the best university in Asia. It suffices to say that 80% of what she says is made up.
When I took the third place in an exam when I was younger, he would say “how come you cannot take the first place?”
It did not bother me much because I was confident in my grades.
Of course my stress is not all because of them. It is because of many things.
I started having Obsessive Compulsive and Anxiety Disorders since elementary school. I would perform the compulsions repeatedly and lost my sleep during middle school. It was hell. In University and high school, I focused on studying and socializing so my OCD was weakened.
It has gotten very bad since 2017. Very bad, almost suicidal.
I am glad I feel much better and want to live long and prosperous.
My parents started criticizing my looks quickly, and it is not their fault because the entire Chinese society conforms to a sort of standard looking. Otherwise, employers discriminate you, as simple as that. There is no chill. No chill in the working culture here. 7am to 7pm is the norm. Sacrificing health is good and glorifying to your country. All good. Rat Race to the extremes.
I had two severe low blood sugar attacks this year. After I took sugar immediately, I could recover from low blood sugar but could not recover fully until 20 mins later.
My father blamed me for taking my so-called medical conditions too seriously and yelled at me, very angrily, shouting that I have mental problems because I am so nervous about my health all the time. He has good intention, I get it, he wants me to stop worrying. But the only way he knows is getting angry with me. My grandma is exactly like that. I am like that too. I have to stop myself from picking up this habit. I would never forgive myself if I blame sick people. Blaming sick people is the worst thing you can do. The worst thing, ever.
I know he wants to help me. But the way he carries it out makes me feel stressed, humiliated and trapped. Trapped in the perpetual cycle that everything I do is wrong, wether I take care of my health or not.
Everything I do, is, wrong.
I feel intimidated to do things and anxious to avoid criticism, every single fucking day.
Only if I can describe what it feels like walk on the egg shell every day.
I love my father and I simply cannot handle his way of expression. It is destroying me.
I know it is not my father’s fault that he is angry and irritable all the time. He has liver problems and lots of body clogs. I get it why he has a bad temper. I get it, I understand, and I want to help him so much. But talking to him simply cannot yield any good results. As for my grandma, who asked my grandpa to die quickly when my grandpa was combating cancer, simply deserves me to insult her back when she insults me. May my grandpa never meets her in his next life.
Luckily, my mom has always been so nice to me and pumping me with positivity.
My lymphatic system is very clogged now, for several months I have been experiencing a bit of chest tightness. In the recent two weeks, it worsened. I had multiple heart palpitations that woke me up at night, actually almost every other day. I did kidney test, kidney ultrasound, ECG, lymphatic ultrasound, blood test twice and urine test twice and went to hospital for more than eight times. I also went to alternative medicine to receive moxibustion therapy and lymphatic therapy. I now experience short of breaths when I lie down to sleep every day. Now sometimes even when I sit. Winter is coming.
I am monitoring my diet, exercising more, doing sunbathing more and doing lymphatic massage before bed. Just so I can relieve my symptoms and live normal day by day.
My grandma still says I am going to die early because “I do not exercise”.
I have no choice but to try as hard as I can to reduce all the stress factors in my life.
I got off google calendar and switched to paper calendar. I do not take insults any more. I stand up to bullies. I look up my own information.
Most important of all, I refuse to talk to toxic people.
My father comes back home to recharge, too bad I am too weak to be the battery.
As for my grandma who says my aunt deserves breast cancer because she eats smoked foods and my grandpa should die quickly to ease her burden of taking care of him, I say, simply fuck off.
I really wish someday we would be more compassionate and less judgmental.